UGLY BREAK UPS!!!

Breaking up is especially difficult when only one wants to end the relationship.  The one who is left is in a great deal of emotional pain from the grief and loss.  He or she also feels powerless to do anything about their circumstances.  Often they do not know how to handle the pain, which feels unbearable and seems never ending.  For some people, shifting into anger seems to alleviate their pain.  Actually, anger just masks pain.  But masking the pain may be preferable to feeling it.  The pain does not go away; it just goes underground and influences behaviors in negative ways.

Sometimes breakups turn ugly.  One or both parties start behaving in ways that are inappropriate, perhaps even frightening.  Behaviors such as stalking, threatening verbally and physically, name calling, complaining to your friends/co-workers, making unwanted phone calls, sending unwanted text messaging and emails, damaging property, stealing from your partner and worse, make a breakup ugly.

Scenario 1) John finally ended his two year and half relationship with Mary after months of vacillating back and forth. It was not working out for him and he did not want to invest any more of himself in it.  Mary was devastated and she pleaded with John to give her another chance. John’s resolve weakened and they did reconcile for a few months.  But the same unpleasant dynamics between them repeated, so he ended it again. Mary refused to accept the breakup.  She kept calling John and begging him to reconcile.  She kept driving by his home.  She left messages on his car.  She called his friends trying to solicit their help.  She sent him ecards, long hysterical emails and emotional text messages.  John felt sorry for her and would take her calls and answer her messages.  He kept explaining in a caring way that the relationship was over for him.  When John was nice to Mary, her hopes for reconciliation increased.  She tried harder to have contact with John.  She knew that her behavior was harming what little relationship they had left, yet she could not stop herself.  John’s compassion for her shifted into disgust.  He felt badgered and victimized.  He avoided all contact with her and after several months Mary gave up.

Scenario 2) After breaking up and reconciling five times, Judy decided to end her 4 year relationship with Marty for good.  As before, Marty begged and pleaded with her to take him back.  When she wouldn’t, Marty became angry and bitter.  He started making phone calls and hanging up.  He started threatening her.  At first he would make statements such as ‘You better watch out.”  Then the statements escalated into “I’m going to kill you.”  Judy was frightened and did not know what to do.  She was afraid to talk to her parents. She talked to all of her friends trying to figure out what to do.  She talked to him and told him that he was frightening her, but it did no good.  Sometimes he would switch from bitterness to apology but when she would not agree to give him another chance he shifted back into anger and rage.  He wanted her to hurt as much as he was hurting.  When he saw the fear in her eyes and heard the fear in her voice, he knew he was still able to have an impact on her.  It was not the impact he wanted to have but it was better than feeling powerless. One time when he saw her going into a pub with another guy he keyed her car.  The destructive action gave him some relief from the pain of seeing her with another guy. (All scenarios are fictitious).

TOXIC FRIENDSHIPS!!!!

Have you ever felt as if your friend was verbally abusive to you? Verbal abuse (sometimes also referred to as emotional abuse) is generally seen in parental or romantic partner relationships, but it can also rear its ugly head in friendships, too.

Verbal Abuse Between Friends

At the heart of abuse is a desire to control the other person. Put downs and insults are meant to tear someone down emotionally, so the person will be less likely to seek out other friends or do activities without the abuser. Verbal abuse can also escalate to things like isolation, where someone tries to prevent you from meeting new people or seeing your current friends.

Verbal abuse is constant over time, and much different than regular friendship conflict. The key to defining verbal abuse in friendships is consistent negative vocal behavior.

In other words, it isn't when you and a friend have an argument (and may say hurtful things) or when a friend is moody (and may snap at you.) Friendships go through ups and downs, and sometimes people disagree and even behave poorly, so it's important to understand the difference between a "regular fight between friends" and verbal abuse.

Signs of Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse is meant to tear you down emotionally by trying to belittle or even frighten you. If you think your friend might be verbally abusive, watch for these signs:

Telling you that you're stupid all the time
Saying that you won't be able to make new friends
Calling you names (fatty, dummy, moron)
Putting down the good things that happen to you
Blaming you when things go wrong
Making fun of your accomplishments
Telling other people negative things about you
Telling embarrassing things about you in front of other people

I LOVE THE AKINBOROS'

i believe in family. It’s a six-letter word, with a trillion times the meaning. It’s who we came from, who we live with, who we love. They help shape our lives with who we are today and who we will grow to be.

Family may not just be blood relatives. It can be friends, people who you care about, or the people you are in a group with. I share memories and moments with family that we will remember forever.

My family is perfectly imperfect. We might not be the closest or the most loving family in the world, but we still care. We fight, argue, and even say that we hate each other at times. But it is the small things, the kindness and love in our hearts, when we say and do these things that bring us together. Family is the essence of life. Without them, who and where would I be? A twenty something year old girl with no one to talk to, no one to be with, no one to love. Alone in life, with no one to share memories with as I grow up. Even the bad memories or the memories that are not so good are still special. It helps me grow stronger daily.

When I was younger, and still some today, my family would get together and have dinners about once a month. It would be a bonding time for us, when we would reflect on the day. We would talk about school, friends, and everything else. It was a time for us to come together and remember who we are as a family and just enjoy each other’s company.

My mom is probably has the biggest job in the family. She has to take care of four kids with my dad.She cooks, cleans, and buys us things. I know it is not easy at times, but we make it work. My brother, sister, and I fight all the time. We really do love and care about each other, we just don’t exactly know it yet.

My family fights, we have fun, and we love each other. Family is the essence of life. This I believe. share your family stories with me.
send your write ups to akinboroy@gmail.com
keep loving each other. xxx